Celebrity nonce-facilitator and actual Bond-villain daughter Ghislaine Maxwell, who was arrested yesterday, has been found dead in her cell in a New York state prison in three weeks' time.
Maxwell, who spent almost a year 'on the run' whilst staying in one place - a fuck-off massive mansion in New Hampshire - had apparently stunned the guards who were keeping her on suicide watch with a taser, turned off the security cameras, fashioned herself a noose and drilled it into the ceiling with Stanley heavy duty wall fixings, stabbed herself over 20 times in the back with a knife engraved with "William Barr sends his regards", drank polonium-laced tea, drowned herself in a toilet too small to fit her head in, and set herself on fire, in that order, in the future. No foul play is suspected. [Going to be suspected? Writing in the future tense is hard. - Ed]
This completely unforeseen event, coming before she could stand trial and incriminate some of the world's most famous, powerful and wealthy sex offenders, has yet to actually happen, but this newspaper has read the tea leaves, and, well, yep.
FBI lead investigator, Special Agent Chet-Wyatt Behaviour, said "no-one could have seen this coming. Except for 780,000 people on Twitter yesterday." When questioned on whether the death of Jeffrey Epstein, the man she allegedly helped to groom young girls into performing illegal sex acts with men who control armies and spies and assassins and drones and aircraft carriers and all manner of hardcore death shit, could have given them a clue on the likely fate of the socialite and beast, Behaviour laughed nervously and replied "Y'know... we, err... Shit! I mean, every precaution was taken. This wasn't for show so we could trap her in a vulnerable situation that could enable a staged suicide cover up of a state-sanctioned murder. That's, haha, a ridiculous assertion," he added, glancing to the back of the room, where US attorney general William Barr, a man who's father Donald gave Epstein his first job as a maths teacher despite having no qualifications and subsequently wrote a novel about child sex slaves in outer space, silently drew his finger across his throat while mouthing 'shhhhhhhh or you're next bitch'.
Maxwell's father Robert, who also died in mysterious circumstances - cough MOSSAD, cough - was a well-known arms dealer, media baron and crook. Also involved in a twenty-year friendship with Maxwell and Epstein was Prince Andrew, a man whose mother clipped her own daughter-in-law for a lot less than being involved in an international mega-wealthy paedophile ring. A spokesman for the Prince said "the Duke is unconcerned about the arrest and tragic natural future death of this woman, whoever she is/was, and has not sweated one little bit about it. No-one could have seen this, unlike that joke, coming."
New Worcester News understands that Maxwell enjoyed a Bloody Mary from time to time and as that can contain Worcester Sauce, the local news angle is totally covered.
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