A local woman who has spent four years in a coma today fluttered open her eyes, simultaneously bringing joy to her family and doing more to address child hunger than every Tory MP combined. Ever.
Fiona Asquith, known to friends as "Sweet", was not the victim of a long-term illness or accident, but began to forgo interaction with the outside world in 2015 as it was "just a fucking shitshow, really," before shutting further and further down and becoming completely 'locked-in' a year later. In the same week that a high-profile campaign led by Manchester United footballer Marcus Rashford held up the Government's decision not to provide 1.4m disadvantaged children in England with £15-a-week food vouchers during holidays until Easter 2021 as the dick move it so clearly was, her brief sign of life represented 100% more effort than 10 years of various Conservative administrations put together.
Tory MP Algonquin Fuque-Fayce, before voting on the 'Give kids some crisps' motion, yesterday.
In May 2019, the UN special rapporteur Philip Alston predicted that close to 40 per cent of children in the UK would be living in poverty by 2021, a situation not really improved by a world-wide pandemic that is forcing business to close, lay off thousands of workers, with state support not available to all and only meeting a percentage of what people actually need to live. So they had a bit of a run-up. In entirely unconnected news, the Government's wealth-shift from the public purse to private sector jokers Serco for a failing test and trace system has now exceeded £12 billion.
"I'm sorry, but I can't even be bothered to shrug," one Tory villain briefed us off the record, saying the quiet part loud again. "That bloody Labour motion made me get off my corpulent arse to stagger through the 'nay' lobby; surely that's enough effort? It's not easy hauling 19 stone of state-subsidised fois-gras and upper-class privilege off these benches, let me tell you. Besides, we fucking put these kids in poverty, what on Earth makes you think we'd want to help them now? I had half a mind to momentarily, but then that northern red-haired girl called my excellent colleague 'scum,' so I have to go eat a baby to prove her wrong."
Labour were asked for a response, but their press office told us that "Marcus is the opposition now, and Keir's brought his Nintendo Switch in today so we're sitting this one out, soz."
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