Local pensioner Arnold Grafspee, 78, of Mersey Road, was shocked and concerned at having his A-Level results in English and Classics reduced to a D, especially as he "hadn't set foot in a fucking school since the Fifties."
Ofqual's algorithm, aimed at standardising exam results affected by the Covid-19 crisis, has proven to be so fiercely anti-poor that it has downgraded people who haven't even sat taken an A-Level this year. Or indeed, this century. As a result Mr Grafspee received a letter from Worcester Sixth Form College informing him of his moderated results which left him perplexed, to say the least. "What is 'Classics' anyway?" he said. "Is that the one what posh kids study to learn how Romans used to run the world, thus transplanting their language, art and architecture and that to convince the masses of their right to rule in the modern world or summink? Or is it that shit violin music with too many notes?"
Ofqual's Standards and Assassination Manager Karen Einstein-Agogo defended the criteria upon which their moderation algorithm makes it calculations. "It's important to remember that historically, people from lower socio-economic groups are marked more generously. So our system automatically downgraded them. We mainly based this on where people are to make it easier, so if you're from a council estate... yeah, you'll be struggling. There's some random criteria in there as well, just to keep it interesting."
It emerged on Friday that students at private schools will largely benefit from the class-size criteria, and will probably see highest grades given out to students who basically just showed up, as long as they're mega-wealthy. It also became clear that Ofqual's algorithm looked at ring-finger length, whether people shop at Lidl, whether they've been on the 144 bus ever, whether they watch and enjoy Mrs Brown's Boys, if they'd be confused by the pronunciation of names like 'Marylebone' and 'St John', and the luminosity of Betelgeuse at the time the assessment was taken. A combination of these factors is likely to have resulted in pensioners who've been outside the school system since teachers could smoke fags in class and hit kids with iron bars receiving out-of-the-blue downgrading letters.
Speaking to the press today, disgraced former Defence Secretary and current Education Secretary Gavin Williamson, who used to keep a tarantula in a glass box on his desk to intimidate visitors - no, mate, he really fucking did - today rejected criticism that his department has made a shit pie and cock chips of the whole deal. "The system has worked remarkably well. We cannot take the chance that poor people might succeed in life. The Coronavirus has given us a wonderful opportunity to throw as many dirty poor people under the bus as possible, we'd be mad to pass it up. I'm delighted." At this point an adviser whispered something into his ear, and he continued, "Actually we're very sorry, and we will pay for all appeals against these horrifying results. This isn't what we wanted at all. I'm disgusted."
Mr Grafspee intends to appeal his results, for no reason other than guessing the outcome is the "most excitement I'm going to get now they've closed the bingo."
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