Chancellor and background Vulcan from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Rishi Sunak visited Worcester Bosch on Thursday morning following the announcement of his joke business support scheme.
Mr Sunak, who qualified for the job of running the country's economy by virtue of marrying a girl who's Dad's a fucking billionaire - actually fair play that's pretty clever - appeared at the factory with a tv crew in tow looking to appear like a man of the people by doing interviews flanked by rich guys in suits with some poor folk in the background.
Speaking at the city's largest boiler manufacturer he said: "We've moved through the acute phase of the crisis, so we're now telling people to get back to bloody work, the scruffy no-cash having fucks. We're now fortunately able to reopen parts of our economy, as we've worked out that managing thousands of deaths is perfectly possible using simple propaganda, rather than the expensive business of preventing those deaths. Our backers want money, and that's what we now have to focus on."
"I will try and protect as many jobs as possible by bribing companies to keep their staff on while there's virtually no money coming in to the tune of... twenty quid? Will that do? I don't even know what twenty quid can buy you; I drink coffee from a £170 fucking mug!"
Robin Walker, Worcester MP for some reason, was also at Worcester Bosch to welcome him.
Mr Walker toadied: "It is great to see Chancellor Rishi Sunak coming to speak with the business after the benefits he announced last night. Bosch is a huge... err... boiler manufacturer? Is that what you people do here? Do you not make the sauce? Anyhoo, the new support scheme will most certainly make it appear that we're helping businesses recover whilst practically doing precisely dick. There's no creation of demand via support for the public sector or helicopter money or anything like that. And Brexit's going to bumfuck us hard in a few months, oops!" Mr Walker then slapped his hand over his mouth after realising he wasn't meant to be saying that last bit.
Rishi Sunak's plans will see businesses given a £1,000 bonus to keep workers in jobs until January, which won't even cover the average earner's NI contributions for that six months, a stamp duty cut (ie a bung for housing developers and buy-to-rent vampires), and an “eat out to help out” scheme which everyone's taking the piss out of for sounding like oral sex but is actually a piss-weak gesture of a discount which only works Monday to Wednesday during the day when people are working (if they've still got jobs that is) and it maxes out at £10 per person - or half a large Mighty Cunting Meaty Dominos. In unrelated news, the only reason the UK did not slip into bankruptcy earlier this year was that Bank of England bought up £300 billion of government debt, basically inventing money from thin air. But yeah, there's no magic money tree, yadda yadda.
Mr Sunak, widely tipped to be the next Prime Minister once Joris Bohnson gets bored, Zeus help us all, mitigated his exposure to people who didn't used to work at an investment bank by getting the fuck out of Dodge by 9am.
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